6 posts tagged “communication skills”
You’re standing there looking out over the ledge… The sun is really bright and all of your friends are there. It is a pretty long ways down; it has to be more than ten feet! The water looks deep and it sure is murky, actually it is mesmerizing in an undulating kind of way. You lost the bet with some new comer to your group and here you are... You almost decide not to do it and as you turn away from the water your betting “buddy” yells out “go ahead, people do it all of the time…” Ok… you jump!
As the pain rips through your leg like a chainsaw you instantly regret your decision. Why the hell would you decide to do this? Well there are a number of psychological mechanisms that brought you to the edge of the water… social recognition, loyalty, need for achievement, etc… But what tipped you over that edge of indecision? The final nail in the coffin is what is known as a Lack of Referential Index statement.
In referencing yesterday’s blog, another little flaw in our mental filing system will at times put us in a lurch unless we keep an eye on it. A Lack of Referential Index statement is one in which the actual subject of the statement has been removed altogether or has been replaced with a general label. In the instance above the statement “people do it all of the time” lacks an actual reference. People can be any number of “persons” with an infinitely varying degree of credibility and authority.
Some examples of Lack of Referential statements are:
“They said it was ok to do.”
“People are never going to go for that.”
“A person could really get into trouble doing that.”
“A husband really needs to take out the trash.”
“We have to get out of here…”
Our minds, in their constant search for cause/effect, predictability and pattern are automatically set up in a way where we instantly register such statements as fulfilling our own threshold for credibility and authority. Let’s reference the example above… Your friend said “people do it all of the time” and “people” is his head represents Larry the town drunk who jumped in last summer and broke his arm before being pulled out of the water and the local skateboard crew who have been at it for years. “People” in your head represents the group of friends behind you that you have known and trusted for years.
In following Grice’s 4 Maxims you non-consciously expected your “buddy” to adhere to your inherent threshold for credibility (Maxim of Relevance). Larry the town drunk and the skateboard crew are not credible enough for the jumper, but are quite credible for the viewer. Unfortunately his threshold for credibility didn’t match yours and had you recognized this up front you may have been able to avoid your broken leg…
So how do you handle this? How do you prevent yourself from becoming a victim of the Lack of Referential index statements? Please visit my website to learn more…
David J. Parnell | Communication Expert
Our minds, among other things, have an unparalleled filing system... We are
able to take massive amounts of information and store it away for a rainy day.
The mechanism that our mind uses primarily to do so is language. Language is an
amazing thing... With language we are able to take something completely
abstract, such as a picture or a view or a sensation and re-represent this
inside of someone else's mind. On top of all of that, we do it with amazing
efficiency... We are able to take something as abstract and dynamic as a sunset
and re-present this to someone else simply by saying "sunrise"... How
cool is that?
Now, for all of the incredible benefits of this, it still has it's short comings. The almost frightening reality of the matter is that whenever we hear the word "sunrise", inside of every one of use is a completely unique concept of what a sunrise means. For one person it may be a peachy orange glow cresting over the top of a treeless mountain capped with snow. For another it may simply be the light hearted feeling of anticipation that they felt while watching a sunrise with a fated lover... More often than not, it is sufficient to use the term "sunrise" during your communication. It is only when it's accurate representation is necessary to convey a message that we may run into problems.
The term "sunrise" is an illustration of our second categories of deletions and is called a Nominalization. When a process becomes Nominalize it is basically turned into a noun, or a thing. In other words, you are taking an action or a process and turning it into a "thing". Some examples of Nominalizations are relationship, love and emotion along with the term sunrise. The classic test in neuro-semantics is to ask yourself the question of whether or not it (your process term) can be put in a wheelbarrow. If it can, then chances are that it is simply a noun and as a result if considerably more concrete in it's own representation. If it cannot, then you likely have a Nominalization.
Nominalizations notoriously leave out a ton of information when they are use in communication and as a result can cause havoc. Let's reference an example... A familiar Nominalization that causes a ton of problems is "relationship". Couples and spouses alike are in a "relationship". Both participants realize this, but major issues can and usually do come into play when individual definitions of a "relationship" clash or miss each other all together. For person A being in a relationship might mean that they will simply no longer sleep with someone else. For person B it may mean that they will give up their entire life to make the other person happy. I think you can see where we might run into issues in the future… Unless the specific underlying beliefs and expectations about what “relationship” means to each person, they are headed for disaster…
To learn more about Nominalizations and other components of communication, please visit my website.
“I never worry about action, but only about inaction”
Winston Churchill
What did Winston mean exactly? Did he mean defending your self, or making money, or developing relationships maybe? When you hear the word action, what comes to your mind first? It may be any number of things and in staying true to human form it most likely is…
To reference yesterdays VLOG, during communication people will generally meet (just barely) their own threshold of acceptability for Paul Grice’s 4 Maxims. As you will remember, there is the Maxim of Quality, Quantity, Manner and Relation. In staying true to the least energy principle, in communication they will relay just enough information to satisfy these… The communication problems can arise when their subconscious threshold for meeting these 4 Maxims differs from the recipient’s threshold.
Although Winston’s quote is extremely moving… Its functionality may be suspect in every day language. This is due to the blatant usage of Unspecified Verbs. These are process words that are missing a complete description. In other words they are verbs that are, to a greater or lesser degree, unspecified. They may also omit the actual verb, or the object of the verb, or both.
Examples of unspecified verbs are running, touching, hurting, moving and communicating. These verbs can mean any one of a number of different things depending on the situation and what the communicator has in mind. Allow me to illustrate:
Imagine you’re at work and your boss calls you into their office… Word came down from corporate and they want your division to pick up sales and your boss wants you to take care of this… In the meeting the boss’s communication is to “work harder so that your division can make corporate happy…” In an effort to get out of your boss’s office as quickly as possible you agree to “work harder” and shuffle along.
Well three weeks go by and your called to the principles… or I mean boss’s office again to discuss you progress. Upon presenting your numbers you are quickly chided as you haven’t done even half of what you were “supposed to do”. You walk out of the office bewildered and unsure of what to do next…
If you haven’t picked it up yet, the outrageously unspecified verb is “work” in the authorities communication. The verb work is amazingly broad and can mean anything form organizing to time management to specific activity and so on. As a result, you did indeed “work” harder. You stayed later and focused more… What they boss was thinking was that he wanted you to organize some teams so that you could delegate work to them. This may be a bit extreme, but understanding that there is a spectrum from completely unspecified to completely specified will show you that anything can be miscommunicated if we don’t pay attention.
To learn more, please visit my website…
You may have heard the Easter Ham story as it has been passed around for many years. I am going to reference here as it is so indicative of today’s subject. To refresh your memory, it goes something like this… A mother and daughter were in the kitchen getting preparing things for Easter Dinner. The mother pulled the Ham out of the refrigerator and just as she always did, cut the ends off of the ham before she put it into the pot.
Perplexed as to why the mother always cut off the ends of the ham prior to cooking, the daughter asked the mother why. The mother’s response was “because you’re supposed to”… As far as the daughter was concerned, the answer was entirely insufficient. The ham looked like it fit in the pan just fine and the ends of it kind of dried out as a result. This just didn’t make sense… As she pressed the mother further, the mother let her know that her mother (the grandmother) had always done it and she learned from her…
Not to be denied, the daughter decided to call the grandmother to find out the culinary rule that was dictating this dissection of the ham prior to baking. After a few pleasantries the granddaughter asked her grandmother… “Grandma, why do you have to cut the ends of the ham off before you bake it?” The grandmother’s answer was “Well honey, back when we were younger and didn’t have a lot of money we couldn’t afford the proper size pan to bake the ham. Since the one we had was so small, I always had to cut it to make it fit in the pan…” So, in effect the mother was unnecessarily caring out a now useless act…
We will dispense with the moral of the story as that isn’t what we are going after. This little illustrates what is known as a Value Based Judgment. In a literal sense, a Value Based Judgment is a claim of “right” or “wrong” in the objective sense and is based on a value system. In the story above the judgment is that it is right to cut the ham.
Now, although right and wrong are usually matters of subjectivity, it can often be misleading to make these statements without citing the source of the judgment. I think we can all agree that one source may be more credible than another. For instance a professor versus a student in a respective field. When a statement like this is made, one it which the person making the judgment is removed from the judgment itself, it is called a “Lost Performative”.
The psychology of how these types of beliefs are formed is
subject matter for another day. What is important for our purposes hear is to
recognize these types of statements when we hear them. “Boys shouldn’t play
with dolls” or “good girls shouldn’t cry”… These statements represent a major
gap in the foundational information and beliefs that the person is holding
mentally and the actual information they are communicating. This gap is not only responsible for perpetuating misinformation, it can cause havoc on a conversation.
There are a number of ways to spot and rectify these types of statements. To learn more, please visit my website.
David J. Parnell | Communication Expert
In an effort to communicate more effectively with my fellow bloggers I participated in a teleconference with this afternoon with a very successful blogging coach by the name of Michael Martine. Not that Michael discounts the SEO side of his blog, but a strong component of his traffic comes from what are knows as “referrals”, or bloggers finding him through other sites.
If I am being honest, I was hoping for the proverbial silver bullet from him. A better way to automate my communications… quicker ways to persuade via my posts… An easier way to be more effective with my blogs…
In a bitter sweet realization, my hopes of the quick paths were not met… Let’s talk about the bitter pill first. Now don’t get me wrong, I learned some amazing stuff… Michael was generous with the information he communicated. It was formatted in a simple fashion, linear, easy to understand and comprehensive. The total sum of his teleconference though was completely void of the words “automatic” or “easy”. Without going into specifics (you’ll have to pay for it if you want to pick his brain), his blogging communication success has come from hard work, personal attention and giving value to his subscribers.
The reality of the matter is that there are a number of short cuts you can take… You may even get some traffic spikes and some subscribers from using them. That being said, the only true way to build a long list of subscribers is through the combination of working smart AND hard. Subscribers are people and need to be treated like, well… people. They aren’t numbers and viewing them as such will all but guarantee your blog some lonely night ahead. But, if your plan is based on the notions of how best to help each person and add value, then you are indeed on the right track.
Regarding the sweet side of the equation… EFFECTIVE BLOGGING IS HARD WORK! As much as the lazy little boy in me just wants to show up at my computer and log into my thousands of adoring fans, I am so blessed that it isn’t that easy. You know what they say; if it were easy everyone would be doing it. Well, although pretty much everyone is blogging (or at least leaving drive by comments) not everybody is successful at it. The challenge and the work is what have left those who want success a great venue in which to achieve it.
Building a strong and loyal subscriber list is hard work… It takes effort, communication skills, commitment, intelligence and strategy… all wrapped up in a nice thick blanket of compassion, and true hard earned value. This is evident in Michael’s work and his results speak for themselves.
I left the call convicted of three things in particular:
1. If you can’t add value… true value, you won’t have long term success.
2. If you don’t add the personal component, sincerely… you won’t have long term success.
3. Working smart, giving more than you expect in return and placing the needs of your subscribers first will earn you their loyalty.
For more quality information than you can get your arms around, feel free to check Michael’s site out to learn more. See you in the blogosphere…
Distortions showing up in our communication come in several different forms and can absolutely plaque our ability to effectively communicate. Once such distortion that rears it’s ugly head often enough is in falsely attributed cause and effect statements. The false attribution is based on erroneously formulated beliefs at the subconscious level and as such often go unchecked. Effective communication skills are necessary in order to neutralize the damaging effects these may have. Allow me to give you a quick example to illustrate my point:
Let's say that your at the office when all of a sudden your boss comes running in screaming that the project deadline has been moved up! You need to run over to this meeting right away in order to rearrange the schedules and make sure that you're going to meet the new deadline. Without a second to lose, you run from your office to the conference room and make sure that everything is okay. Unfortunately, you didn't have a second to stop and call your wife to let her know that you would be home late for dinner. When the meeting finished, rather than calling her you rushed to your car and drove home as quickly as you could. All the while hoping to salvage any semblance of a family meal. As soon as you come to the door you're greeted with a really unhappy wife… When you ask her what's wrong, she replies with "you came home late because you don't love me". This my friends is a falsely attributed cause and effect statement. In your wife's mind at least at this moment she believes that your tardiness is due to the fact that you don't love her. Now we both know that this is incorrect (well at least I think it’s incorrect :-). Before we go further, let's talk about the psychology of this.
Every day we go through life making
a massive amount of decisions especially while communicating with others. Whether big or small it doesn't really
matter, any decision can and generally will cause what's known as cognitive
dissonance. Exploring in depth the
actual definition and causes of cognitive dissonance is fodder for another
article. For our purposes here, all you
need is a surface understanding.
Cognitive dissonance is basically when an individual holds two opposing
beliefs and has what can be an extremely uncomfortable feeling inside.
This can be a major factor in anything from depression to anxiety to overall ineffectiveness during a daily routine. As a result of the anxiety and the discomfort that cognitive dissonance creates, people can become highly motivated to settle on a decision. Often times decisions are made with having incomplete or in certain circumstances almost no information. The outcome of such an instance can be one of two things. First they may simply use information from both their declarative and procedural memory to make a semi-informed decision. Second, they may actually make things up (subconsciously) in order to validate a decision. (Really!) Both processes can cause people to develop these falsely attributed cause and effect beliefs and statements.
In now knowing this, what do you do? Your wife has just told you that you're being late is because you don't love her. Of course there are many times when these cause and effect beliefs are very real and accurate. The reality of the matter is though that you were pressured by your boss and really had no other choice. In fact, you're putting up with the crap you get from your boss BECAUSE you love your wife. Unfortunately, simply telling her this would add best be a futile effort to pacify her fears and anxiety. So how do you handle this effectively?
Most important is that she most likely doesn’t know why she actually feels this way and as a result the “cause” is awarded to your tardiness. Feelings like this are usually based on past experiences such as watching a cheating father come home late time and again… or stories from a friend who’s perpetually late husband wound up leaving her. So what do you do? How can she communicate more effectively? How can you help her to communicate more effectively?
Running into a scenario where someone poses you with what is clearly an incorrect cause and effect statement can be frustrating. As such, handling this appropriately can take quite a bit of effort and tact. There are indeed ways that you can go about neutralizing these statements without ruffling someone else's feathers.
It is also very important to be aware of these types of statements in your own communication. Cause-and-effect statements many times can be metaphorical, but depending on the recipient of your communication they may very well be construed as literal. Choosing your words carefully is important.
How do you handle these types of statements? How can you work with your own thought process to be certain that you're not communicating ineffectively? We talk about this and a whole host of other communication techniques in my series "The Evolved Communicator", please visit my site to learn more.
