Questions and Effective Communication - Part 5 of 5.

Today we finish our 5 part post on questions and effective communication so let's get right into it...

Leading – I would have to say that the Socratic style of questions is the most well known and famous style of questioning in existence today. Prosecutors, negotiators, politicians and business people will use this form extensively during the course of their careers. As a standalone, a leading question can be any TYPE of question and you are free to use whatever type is necessary to lead the person along the predetermined path you have established. When taken as a group, the linking of multiple leading questions results in a strategy and can be amazingly powerful. There are two types of leading questions and they are toward or away class leading questions.

1. Toward-leading questions are for the purpose of taking the person to a desired end result or destination. In other words, if you want to lead someone down a particular path of logic or reasoning so that they will arrive at a specific conclusion you will use these. The magic of this type of question/ing is that it directly creates the mental linking between concepts in someone’s mind in order to achieve a solid long term result. It is one thing to simply implant a concept in someone’s mind. It is an entirely different animal when you implant a concept AND link it to an already-held concept or belief in their mind. This is powerful. Take the following example… Let’s say you want your spouse to go to the grocery store with you on their day off. You already know they will say no if you ask directly so you need to make it enticing to them. Toward-leading questions are a great resource for this type of scenario. You know that your spouse loves to save money so you will need to link the concept of saving money with shopping at the grocery store. Your questioning might sound something like this:

·         You: Do you remember when you bought that circular saw on clearance and saved all of that money?

·         Them: Yah… that was such a good deal!

·         You: It really felt great to save all of that money, didn’t it?

·         Them: Certainly did…

·         You: You are really good a finding those types of deals aren’t you?

·         Them: Yah! I am the best.

·         You: I think you would agree that I am not so good at it, wouldn’t you?

·         Them: Yah… you are the worst.

·         You: What do you like so much about getting those deals?

·         Them: Well, it is almost like making money…. I mean, you have to buy it anyway. Getting it at a discount is like putting money back into your pocket.

·         You: Well can you help me make some money today? I need your help…

·         Them: Sure, I love doing that…

·         You: Well you see I have to go shopping and…..

I think you can get my point. What we have done is taken a starting point and connected it to an end point by leaping through several different subjects and levels of abstraction to arrive at your spouse going with you to the grocery store and actually being happy about it.

1. Away-leading questions are for the purpose of simply moving away from a particular mental state or subject matter. These are great for when you want to pull someone out of a negative state and in fact are used for that almost exclusively. If your communication partner has had a bad day or is hurting for some reason or maybe you are just talking about something that you want to get away from, the best way to do this is with Away-leading questions.

Imagine that your coworker just got passed over for a promotion and they are just angry about it… The job, the company, the people… your coworker just hates all of them right now. You know that if they stay like this for very long that they are going to do some real damage to their career here. Leading questions can help get them out of this state of mind. The questioning may go something like this:

·         You: So you are seriously angry right now? (Pacing)

·         Them: Yah! I hate this place… I really deserved that promotion.

·         You: Yah I sometimes hate it as well (Partial pacing)… Not that I am suggesting that we completely leave that subject, but do you remember the picnic we went to this summer with the team?

·         Them: Yah… what about it?

·         You: Do you remember when we caught Joe passed out drunk on the toilet?

·         Them: Yah! HAAA… I forgot about that. Oh my god, how funny was that?

·         You: I know, what a slob! What do you suppose that guy is doing right now?

·         Them: He is probably out somewhere…..

I’ll let you take it from there… As you can see we have led our coworker, at least temporarily away from his immediate mental crisis. Obviously it will take quite a bit more work to get over the sting of losing the promotion but we have provided temporary relief by using an Away-class of questioning.

Elicitation – These are, as their title explicitly implies questions whose sole purpose is to elicit information. Their purpose is generally to get MORE information so that you may make an educated decision about how to proceed further with your communication. These are usually used on fact finding missions but can also be used for the purpose of gain insight into personal beliefs, notions, evaluations, etc… Whenever you need information to make a decision about your next move, you are going to be using Elicitation questions. These are broken up into two classes, primary and secondary elicitation questions.

1. Primary elicitation questions are the initial attempt at eliciting information on a new subject. This means that these are the first line of questioning that occurs to draw out information at higher levels of abstraction in relation to the subject at hand. For instance a car tire may be considered the highest level of abstraction for the subject matter and the tread type, the manufacturer, the mile-rating, the speed rating are at lower levels.

1. Secondary elicitation questions are for the purpose of probing further into each subject to elicit the lower levels of abstraction. So probing, clarifying, verifying, etc… All of these are done by elicitation questions.

Imagine that you are sitting in a restaurant eating when you receive a frantic call from your mother. She is hysterical on the phone and just keeps yelling that she needs help! This will sound something like this:

• You: Hello…
• Mother: OH MY GOD… I need you to get over here and help me!
• You: Mom, are you alright? (Primary elicitation)
• Mother: NO, I am not alright! I need you to get here…
• You: Have you been hurt? (Primary elicitation)
• Mother: Not yet, but I am being chased around the house…
• You: Who is it? (Secondary elicitation)
• Mother: I don’t know who!
• You: What do they look like? (Secondary elicitation)
• Mother: They are short and furry and have a long tail!
• You: Mom… is it a mouse? (Secondary elicitation)

You get the idea… In the conversation above you were simply looking for factual information so that you could make a decision on how best to act on the matter at hand.

Hypnotic – Hypnotic questions are questions that conjure up experiential scenarios in the mind of your communication partner for the purpose of creating a particular somatic experience. For example, you may make someone feel really happy by helping them to create, mentally, this summer’s experience of sitting on the shore of a lake… with the water lapping up onto their feet and all the while the sun is shining down and warming their shoulders as the birds chirp in the surrounding trees at the wind blowing through the leaves…

Hypnotic questions reside in three classes and they are the situational, content and submodal classes.

1. Situational refers to the “where” and the “when” of the experience you are trying to create. For instance, in relating back to the above example we are talking about the shore of the lake (where) and just this past summer (when).
2. Content refers to the “who” and the “what” of the experience. They (who) rode their bike there and brought nothing but a book with them (what). They were surrounded by the lake and the trees (what)…
3. Submodal refers to the submodalities of each experience. The color of the leaves, the sound of the birds, the feel of the water, etc…

So to help create the experience above you would simply direct the person’s thought process by starting with the highest level of abstraction (situational) and move down the pole into the submodal questioning. This will set things up appropriately and is the most effective method of creating the experience. So, in sticking with our lake experience example above:

• You: What would you say was your most enjoyable experience this year?
• Them: Hmmm. I would probably have to say when I went to the lake…
• You: When was that?
• Them: Oh it was sometime in July… right after the fourth… I remember I was still on vacation.
• You: What was it that you like about that so much (high level abstraction, content based question. )
• Them: Well I remember just being by myself (who) and just being free for awhile…
• You: What was there exactly? (lower level abstraction, content based)
• Them: Not a whole lot, that what was so great… Just me and the trees and nature…
• You: It must have been so peaceful… What sounds are there around that lake? (submodal auditory)
• Them: Man… The locusts are buzzing along with the grasshoppers… I love the sound of the birds just chirping away in the trees…
• You: Were you able to get in the water at all? What did that feel like? (submodal kinesthetic)

You can take it from there… So what you are doing is asking questions that will elicit experiential information in their minds and help them to re-experience that pleasant time in their past.

Conveyance - Conveyance questions are used to communicate a particular feeling or state of mind from one person to the other. Probably the most often used and renowned type of conveyance question is a rhetorical question.  These are asked with a built in answer and almost exclusively convey annoyance or sarcasm. Conveyance style questions can be used to portray sincerity, compassion, interest and a whole host of other feeling and mental states. As an example, imagine that you want to convey to someone that you truly care about them and what they want out of your relationship. Your sincerity can be conveyed by asking them very deep, thoughtful and emotion eliciting questions.

• You: I can tell you are angry and I really want to respect your privacy so would it be ok if I asked you some questions to help me better understand you?
• Them: I am angry… but ok.
• You: I am under the impression that you are angry with me because I came home late. Is that true? (closed, elicitation)
• Them: Yes
• You: I am sorry that made you angry, that wasn’t my intention. When I come home late, what does that mean to you? (open, elicitation)
• Them: It means that you don’t care about my feelings…
• You: I do care about your feelings. What can I do that will truly show you that I care? (open, elicitation)
• Them: I don’t know…
• You: How would you feel if I promised to call EVERY time I am going to be late and kept my phone with me no matter what? (Away-leading)
• Them: That would be really nice…
• You: Do you remember that time when I had to drive all night to get home, but I did it? (Toward-leading)
• Them: Yes…
• You: How did it feel to know that I was going to do anything just to get back to you? (submodal hypnotic AND Toward-leading)
• Them: Nice… I knew you loved me then…
• You: I did love you and I still do… Do you remember that even though I drove all night I was still late though? (Toward-leading)
• Them: Yah…
• You: But you still knew that I loved you didn’t you? (Toward-leading)
• Them: Yah…
• You: So isn’t it safe to say that just because I am a little late sometimes doesn’t mean that I don’t love you? (Toward-leading destination)
• Them: Yes…
• You: So can we agree that if I am going to be late and call no matter what that you will be ok and know that I still love you even though I am late? (Elicitation)

OK, ok… I think you get it. We conveyed true sincerity and love in the above communication through the usage of conveyance questions.

You can now consider yourself 18,000 times more knowledgeable than the next best person with respect to using questions for effective communication.

To learn more about questions and other forms of effective communication, please visit my site The Communication Expert.

The Communication Expert | David J. Parnell
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